Perfect Size Six

December 5, 2016

#29 Bitter Rivals

Filed under: Books #21-40 — mediumcore @ 7:12 pm
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“Will Elizabeth be forced to choose between Amy and Enid?”

So we found out at the end of the last book that Elizabeth’s childhood bestie, Amy Sutton, is moving back to town. But a teenage Amy Sutton is really more aligned with Jessica’s crowd now (i.e. bitchy and boy crazy). Goody, just what we needed, another vacuous blond bimbo to stir up trouble and steal boyfriends.

I guess Francine Pascal thought the good/evil balance was a little off with Cara Walker reforming and dating Steven Wakefield, so she had the ghostwriters bring this bitch back. Amy’s like Jessica lite without any of the redeeming qualities.(Ugh, can you tell I hate Amy Sutton. I still blame her -and cocaine- for the untimely death of Regina Morrow. ) Need another reason to hate Amy Sutton?

Perfect-Size-Six moment: “Amy smiled. ‘I have to be careful,’ she told them.’ I really hate myself if I weigh a single ounce over one-hundred and ten pounds.'” (Liz remarks at some point that Amy is several inches taller than the 5’6 twins, so Amy literally has the measurements of a runway model. The perfect-size-six twins should be feeling like heifers right about now.)tumblr_inline_mhuy3mjgmp1qz4rgp_zps165ea815

Liz’s current bestie, Enid Rollins, understandably feels intimidated before meeting Amy and downright threatened after she meets her. First, Liz (unintentionally) blows off her beach date with Enid to hang out with the newly-returned Amy. Then, Liz spends the next few weeks either preaching the gospel of Amy at all times or following her around like a puppy dog, trying to reignite the exact same best friendship they had when they were 12 years old.

Amy ironically continues to blow off Liz in favor of Jessica and her crowd, but Liz just doubles down on her efforts to reconnect with Amy (at the expense of her relationship with Enid). Enid tries to be cordial for Liz’s sake, so she invites Amy along for a big girls’ weekend ski trip. They’ve already canceled ski plans twice because of Amy, but Liz assures Enid that this weekend will be a go.

Of course, Lila is throwing one of her epic parties on the same day to celebrate her cousin, Christopher’s, arrival to town. Lila goes on and on about how beautiful and wonderful he is, which is sort of weird. Some examples….

“Lila’s look was devastating. ‘Christopher,’ she said pompously, ‘is quite simply the world’s most fabulous man.'”

“‘And,’ she went on, ‘he’s six foot two, with really wavy, thick, blond hair, and the most amazing blue eyes. They just sort of pierce right through you.'”

(True story: I was at the psychiatrist years ago (for Ritalin), and their secretary was in love/borderline stalking my cousin. Even though I have a very common last name, she knew he was my cousin, which was odd, and talked adoringly about him for at least 10 minutes and asked me to facilitate contact for her. I didn’t have the heart to tell her he was dating an NFL cheerleader at the time. I changed doctors after that. The hot cousin struggle is real, I guess.)

giphy-4-animOf course, Amy would rather go to glamorous Lila’s party then spend the weekend trapped in a cabin with Enid, the drip. So Liz cancels their plans once again. She understands that Enid is pissed, but she also thinks that Enid may be jealous of Amy and trying to sabotage their friendship. (Seriously, why is Enid fighting this hard for a shitty friend?)

Fast forward to Lila’s costume party.  Amy is a ballerina, Jessica is Cleopatra, and Lila is Princess Diana (how appropriate-love this!). Liz and Enid both show up dressed as skiers, which is supposed to let them/us know that they are mind-linked besties.

Lila makes a big deal of introducing Christopher to everybody, and he immediately makes a beeline for Enid Rollins of all people. It turns out he was her camp counselor two years ago, but he actually seems to have a more romantic interest in her now. Amy is pissed because she wanted Christopher all to herself. She tells Enid to back off, that Liz is hers and so is Christopher, and then she makes some ominous, you’ll-be-sorry, wait-and-see threats.

Don’t worry. Amy’s big plan is pretending she doesn’t have a ride, so Christopher will have to take her home instead of Enid. How disappointing. I was expecting some Suzanne Devlin-type shenanigans. Anyway, Liz finally sees Amy for the conniving bitch she really is and patches things up with Enid. Plus, Christopher calls Enid later and tells her how annoying Amy is and asks her out.

Sort of B Plot/ Co A Plot: Since Jessica’s a relationship expert (hearty lols), she and Cara Walker have been tasked with writing a love advice column titled “Dear Miss Lovelorn” for the Sweet Valley High Oracle. In true sociopath fashion, Jessica attempts to mechanize her writing into a full on love destruct missile.

0bf6c35a9e41416b6fac59c77f1726b3See, Jess is in love with fellow junior Jay McGuire, but he’s dating an old-lady cougar, senior Denise Hadley. Jessica uses her column to plant false letters, one from a younger guy tired of his domineering older girlfriend and the other from the older woman tired of her younger boyfriend. They’re side by side too to further ram down Jessica’s point. She is not one for subtlety. The crazy thing is that her scheming works (at least temporarily). Denise and Jay (like every one else) assumes the other wrote to Miss Lovelorn for advice.

Jessica asks Jay out one day when he’s moping at lunch. They end up straight away at Miller’s Point (Jessica does not fuck around when trying to get her man), and she tells Jay that Denise is cheating on him so that he’ll make out with her and take her to Lila’s party. Savage. While at said party, Jay sees Denise with another guy and abandons Jessica. (Ha!)

Meanwhile, Denise and Jay have actually written real letters to Miss Lovelorn about their situation, how they really love each other, and how they have no idea what’s going on. Jessica plans on fucking with them again, but since she’s late turning in her column, Liz prints their letters with actual solid love advice (i.e. not written by Jessica). Thus, Jay and Denise get back together.



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